How Kairi Died
by Saint Bananianiown
Summary: She was in the way. In the way of something much more beautiful and wonderful than her. This is how they got rid of her.


Ok, this is my first fanfic. I don't know how this will turn out, but I hope that my efforts weren't wasted and that you like it. Please R&R!

NO FLAMERS! DO NOT READ IF YOU LIKE KAIRI!

Disclaimer: No, I don't own any of the Kingdom Hearts characters. At least, not yet. It's a work-in-progress.

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One fine day, on Destiny Islands, Sora awoke to find that he no longer loved Kairi. He had no idea why this was or if he ever actually loved her at all. Truthfully, it was more like either a crush or a strong sense of friendship. In any case, he no longer liked her, but someone else. This someone had done a lot more for Sora than Kairi ever did. This someone had always challenged him to be better in all things. This someone was Riku.

This feeling was strange for Sora, for he had never liked another boy before. Yet, it didn't really matter to him now. All he wanted to do was go find Riku and tell him. So, quickly putting on some clothes, Sora rushed out of the house.

Sora eventually found Riku in the secret cave with a bottle of lotion and a banana. Telling Riku of his love for him, Riku did the same, and they both began to kiss passionately, forgetting all about the banana. But suddenly, Riku ended the kiss.

"Riku, what's wrong?" asked Sora.

"What about Kairi? What will we do when she finds out?" Riku explained.

"Hmmm, you're right. Well then we'll just have to get rid of her!" Sora said, smiling wide.

But Riku looked shocked. "W-What!" he managed to splutter. "We can't do that!"

"Sure we can."Sora said good-naturedly. "Come on!"

Afterwards, they spent a good deal of time thinking about how they would get rid of Kairi. One idea was that they would poison her food with large amounts of laundry detergent, and then bury the body under a paopou tree. Another was that they could all take a ride in the Gummi ship and then push her out the door while in deep space. Yet in the end, they settled on the classic "fell off a cliff" routine.

Once they had the plan all set, the two went to find Kairi. They found her standing near a cliff, watching the ocean. This was good, because now they didn't have to lure her to one. Sora went ahead to talk her into getting closer to the edge of the cliff to show her something. Then Riku would push her.

Unfortunately, Kairi felt like being a bit dramatic this evening. So when Sora had gotten her to the edge of the cliff, she made an annoying sweeping motion out of his arms, as if she were too prudent to be held like that at such a romantic place. Riku had already hurried over to push her off, though, and at a moment too late. He, instead, fell off the cliff.

Sora watched, horrified, as he fell and immediately ran as fast as he could to the bottom. When there, he found his beloved Riku distorted in a sickening way. Sora bent down and began to weep, holding his lost lover's head in his arms.

"Oh Riku! Please don't leave me! Come on...wake up..." Sora said through his tears. "I wish I had some way of bringing you back..."

Then, taking out a phoenix down, Sora restored Riku's life.

"Ahhh, much better. Thanks Sora!" exclaimed Riku as he stretched.

"No problem" said Sora, wiping his face clean of tears. "But the plan didn't work."

Riku nodded. "I guess it's time for Plan B."

And so, the fantastic duo tried every plan they had, from stealthy assassination to plain-old drowning, but none of it worked and most resulted in Riku needing a phoenix-down to recover. Eventually, Sora's inventory was almost completely vacant of recovery items and they began to run out of ideas. Therefore, in a last-minute case, they decided to just tell her.

The duo found her trying to make a cake by substituting flour with sand she got on the beach. They told her of their love for each other and how happy they were together. But she just stared at them in an angry way, until they finished, in which then she began to yell out a string of profanities, punching and kicking them whenever she could. This went on for a while, when out of the bag of sand she had, there popped out a pink Furby that clamped itself to her head and then blew up.

Neither she nor the Furby was ever seen again.

And it went on that Sora and Riku lived happily ever after, content in each other's love for one another.

The End

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Note that this was just a joke. I know that that none of this would ever happen, and so none of it was serious. I personally don't like Kairi very much, so I thought this would be a creative way to relieve my great dislike. As I said in the beginning, if you like Kairi (or are a Sora/Kairi, Riku/Kairi fan, or homophobic), you shouldn't have read it. Therefore, if you send me bad reviews, I will send you a nice, nasty e-mail to chew you out.

May your day be filled with the light of a thousand bananas. : )


End file.
